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When strength feels out of reach.

Yesterday I looked forward to this long run, hoping to get closer again to the feeling of relaxation and calm that long runs usually bring. The forecast promised sunshine, and I felt excited.

But this morning, when I woke up, I didn’t feel fit. I honestly wondered how I would get through 2 hours and 20 minutes, and even how I had ever managed runs that long before. I still prepared for my run by eating a small bowl of muesli, something I had never done before any run. I filled my hydration pack with water and packed two energy gels before setting out.

From the start, everything felt heavy. After 20–30 minutes I felt like I simply couldn’t continue. As I pushed on, tears came. I felt weak, mentally and physically, and doubts flooded in. There was no sense of flow or joy today, only frustration and sadness.

I took a gel and drank water regularly but eventually turned back. Running felt impossible, and the tears stayed with me.

Maybe this is about more than just training. Right now, my life feels uncertain, with no regular income, financial worries, and a sense of being drained and afraid. Running usually helps me through challenging times, but today it felt like standing still, unable to move forward. That scared me.

I alternated between walking and running as best I could but ended up cutting the run short. I’m now considering a short break from training, something I’ve never done before. During my first marathon plan, I was always motivated; even if I skipped a day, I came back the next. But now, for the last two weeks, it feels different.

I’ll leave the decision open for now and allow myself the weekend to reflect. Maybe rest is what I need most right now.